


i can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head

by peterneds



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Deal With It, M/M, They're not together, but i really like it so, this is some weird poetical shit and it might be confusing to read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 16:35:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15004943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterneds/pseuds/peterneds
Summary: i wish they could let you do both, the boy next to him says. he's confused. they'd been talking about stars and galaxies and frosting on cupcakes and lips between teeth -/title from 'this is home' by cavetown





	i can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head

_i wish they could let you do both_ , the boy next to him says. he's confused. they'd been talking about stars and galaxies and frosting on cupcakes and lips between teeth - 

_both of what? he says_. the boy next to him looks onward, up up up into the sky up into the clouds into the sun out of this galaxy.

and he says _live and be dead_.

_simultaneously?_ he thinks but doesn't say. his brow furrows and he tries to think back to when he was a child, to how being alive felt like.

the boy next to him says _what are you thinking?_

__

__

__he's thinking about the curve of his lips. how they once were soft and sweet, how they'd drag across his cheekbones and whisper words he can't remember anymore. he's thinking about the last time he screamed, the last time he held something in his hands that wasn't a gun or someone's throat. he's thinking about walks back from school, walks where they'd hold hands if no one else was there, walks where he'd say something stupid like _it's always you and me_ ; things he couldn't promise because their life expectancy was maybe 25 and that's if the winter didn't get bad. because he remembers how it would feel when goosebumps rose on steve's skin or the sound of his teeth chattering. he remembers the cold, it was so _cold_ but it still is. because he went to the war but no one was supposed to follow him there, he would die out there and then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. because he was so stupid and he said things he couldn't have possibly meant and when they were kids they couldn't even afford the paper and now he's expected to be able to hold a cupcake down. because their crumbs had to be spread out over a month, because when steve got his teeth knocked out there was nothing for bucky to _do._ the boy next to him was the same, if not left of center, of who he used to be. but his memories come in flashes and sometimes he can't unclench his fists or put something too hard in his mouth or look at a child's face for too long - because sometimes he forgets his name and his home and where he is and his head feels heavy, and he wishes they'd chopped it off long ago. because these memories, of stolen kisses and elevated heartbeats and counting his ribs under his hand and promises of making it out one day, in a world where they didn't have to hide - they're too sweet. and they hurt. because it's not like that anymore, you see, now muscle lies in the spaces between his ribs, and his heart barely skips a beat. he looks at bucky the way you'd look at an old friend - but it's worse because bucky doesn't remember _friendship_ , he remembers _love_. 

he feels dead but he's breathing, and his heart beats but no one's there to count them anymore.

_being alive is overrated_ , he says, but the words taste sour on his tongue. he wishes breathing felt like living.

**Author's Note:**

> i deleted this and now im uploading it again bc ao3 fucked something up with the html or whatever
> 
> basically what i said here before was please comment ive had a really shit past couple days and i need it so
> 
> twitter is priv now had a breakdown and only friends follow
> 
> tumblr is still hcllnd follow my spotify its the only social media thing im proud of: ree182
> 
> when i originally edited this i added their names hoping to clear up any confusion but i can't be assed to do it now so if you have any questions just comment them
> 
> tell me if u like this kinda stuff i have a lot of it hope ur all well love u byeeeee


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